How To Handle The Pedo In The Next Car
April is Child Abuse Prevention/Awareness Month, and I wanted to start with an answer to a private comment made some time back.
Here is the comment:
“Ms. SMP,
[…] I recently came about a certain situation when escorting my young granddaughter.
Her weekend visit with her grandmother and me was over and I was taking her home. At a stop light I heard her giggling in the seat beside me. I drive an old single seat pick up so she has to ride up front with paw-paw. I am happy about that because I may not have noticed the pevert in the next car next to us making goo-goo eyes at my little darlin.
Let me let you understand something for a moment Ms. SMP. I enjoy smiling at children who wave to me and socialize. Us old folk do that. This thing (I hesitate to call it a man) had a nastiness about him that I am sure you have seen yourself.
I looked over in time to see him blowing her a kiss. I ordered her to look away and not to look at him again. He got the idea and looked away too.
The light was a long one and we were caught for another cycle having us beside him again for another red. My grand baby says to me, “Paw paw that man won’t stop looking at me and I don’t like it anymore. He’s scaring me.”
I look over and see him craning his neck to look down in the seat at her lap. He was in a bigger truck than mine. One of those new things with four full sized doors and sits up almost two feet from the ground. I know what he was doing because I am a man and I have had my days as a young buck looking in such a way to see pretty girls legs in the cars next to me. This is what this man was doing to my grand baby!
He starts licking his lips in a perverted fashion as he stares at her bare legs. She was wearing her bathing suit and a pair of shorts. She was looking at him as he licked his lips and she pulled her towel as fast as she could over her lap. He looked at her and blew her a kiss.
The light turned green right then and he pulled ahead. Ms. SMP, I wanted to jump out of my pick up and pull him from his so I could give him the beating of his life right there in the street! I followed him and wrote down his license plate number.
When we arrived at my daughter’s home, my grand daughter was crying. She is seven years old but she understood he was doing bad things.
I called the police immediately to report the incident. They said they would look up the information to see if the vehicle was registered to someone who was on the registered sex offender list, but they could not do anything to help us because he had not touched her.
I want to share this story with you for two reasons. I want to know if there is any more I could have done and what you would have done; and I wanted to tell you this to help others in my situation.
What do parents and grand parents do when there is a pervert in the next car making goo-goo eyes at their child?”
I have been saving this post since last Summer, hoping to find the right opportunity to write about it. I answered the gentleman, who has been an avid reader and supporter of mine since my days of creating Pagans Against Child Abuse and following me after I left the group.
A bit of odd coincidence happened about a month after replying to him in which almost the same situation happened to me and my then 8 year old daughter. This is what I did and what I suggest for anyone facing this very scary situation:
My daughter was in the front seat of my truck. The man was in an old model sedan. Although he could not see over the window frame of my truck, he could still make eye contact with my daughter.
My girl is polite and will smile when smiled upon. However, she is, also, a very good judge of character. I was looking at my left to the driver on my side texting when I heard her say, “Mommy, there’s a man waving at me.”
I looked over quickly to see an older man, maybe in his 50’s, waving at her. I looked at him for a moment in careful consideration. As the commenter above noted, older people like the friendliness of children. My daughter often befriends the elderly, and has on many occasions sat beside them in waiting rooms to hold conversations. She is not shy by any means, nor does she shun a polite gesture as a wave. Children know danger when they see it, and I could tell by the way my child folded her arms across herself and leaned toward me that this man was someone she had reason to fear.
I stared at him, watching at first to see what he would do next and glaring to warn him off. He seemed either to not notice me or to simply not care about my threatening gaze. He did as the man above did – blew her a kiss. Not once but twice. He winked at her and wouldn’t take his eyes off of her.
Once, I noticed his eyes shift in my direction. He knew by my gaze that I knew what he was. His reaction was to laugh and look away, but only for a moment. He reached down into what appeared to be his lap. It is my guess he was rubbing himself.
When he looked over again, he was met with a surprise. I keep a fold out knife with a 6″ blade on me at all times. Just as he looked back at us, he could see me pull this knife from the overhead compartment above my rearview mirror. I let him watch as I unfolded it, never taking my eyes from his now concerned gaze. I held the handle in my grasp with the blade downward across the length of my arm so only he could see what I was showing him. He shifted in his seat nervously then, looking away and never looking back at us.
The light turned green and he dangerously maneuvered through the cars to reach three lanes away from me. Traffic was busy that day, so he wasn’t going anywhere far. I followed him and wrote down his license plate as my friend above had done. I followed him for a while. He was clearly shaken, staring in his rearview mirror often and trying desperately to get away from me. I veered off just as he approached the interstate because I was very low on gas. In fact, I was on my way to the gas station when this happened. I couldn’t risk getting on the interstate when I was almost on empty, and really, the best I could do was call the police and put them on notice, which is what I did.
I was relieved to find out that although there isn’t immediate action they can do to someone in this situation, they CAN look up the person to see if they are a RSO and report the incident to their parole officer, physician, handler, etc..; and they CAN record the incident in the event it happens again. This way, there is a file on them with the information of the complainant in case this person ever does get caught assaulting a child. It goes to a pattern that makes it difficult for them to defend in court when there is a file from complete strangers making similar allegations.
So, what should you do?
1. STARE THEM DOWN! Let the person know that YOU know what they are and what they are doing. Many pedophiles do not care if you like it or not. This has been well documented in cases with convicted pedophiles. They see your child as their potential girlfriend/boyfriend, and you have no say in the matter as far as they are concerned. It is their mentality that “children are God’s gift to men.” It doesn’t hurt, though, to let them know you are aware. This makes your child an unattractive target.
2. THREATEN THEM IN WHATEVER LEGAL WAY POSSIBLE! I did not get out of my car with my knife. I did not make any kind of motion as though I was going to cut him with it. I merely let him see me take it down and hold it in my hand with a gaze that showed him I was prepared to do what it takes to anyone attempting to harm my child. There is no law that says I cannot carry a knife in my vehicle, and really, do you think this pedophile was going to call the police and have them question my daughter?
Don’t fear them! It is they who fear being exposed. Your first priority is to your child and keeping them safe and helping them feel safe. My daughter went from being afraid to laughing at the bastard as he looked away in fear. That makes it worth it.
Other ways you can threaten them is by holding up your phone and taking pictures of them. Even a regular camera if you have one, and having the flash go off is even better. Letting them see you make a call to the police and letting them realize you are describing them to someone on your phone helps. And never under estimate the power of following them, even if it’s for a few blocks. Make sure they notice you jotting down their license plate. Do NOT speed or drive erratically to keep up with them. Remember that your child is with you.
3 . REPORT THEM IMMEDIATELY TO THE POLICE! This is not a waste of time. You may be the first to report them, but you may, also, be the call that the prosecution has been looking for to nail them for good. Never forget that child abusers are not happy just looking at children, and your call may save current and future victims of very real abuse.
Now, one thing I would like to point out at this time is a previous post I made about the danger of family decals. Imagine if I or the grandfather above had family decals with our children’s names, school names, team names, etc…? Suppose we had not noticed these men “flirting” with our girls and we had all the information they needed on our vehicles to find our kids? This happens. This is not unheard of. This is what they do. Please pay attention! There isn’t an entire month dedicated to awareness of child abuse, including CSA, for no reason. Monsters exist. They are after your children and as their parent or guardian, it is your responsibility to protect them and let these thieves of childhood innocence know your child will not be their prey.
Only Vigilance And Education Will Stop Predators
I’ve started gathering together my information and working on new posts for April, Child Abuse Awareness Month. The following story comes just in time for April, proving that vigilance by parents and guardians, and teaching children that monsters DO exist are the best tools to stop predators in their tracks:
Mom’s concern leads to explosion of email alerts
by Brian Farrell, 13News
Posted on March 26, 2010 at 11:36 PM
Updated Friday, Mar 26 at 11:40 PM
******
VIRGINIA BEACH — At this time of year, 6:30 p.m. means plenty of light for a few friends to squeeze in some basketball outside one of their homes. That’s what three children were doing last Thursday in King’s Grant, but they weren’t alone.
“He literally stopped and was watching ’em for a time period, and tried to engage them in conversation,” one of their mothers tells 13News. She asked not to be identified because of the nature of the situation.
Recounting what her son and friends tell Virginia Beach police officers, Mom explains the driver of a blue pick-up truck told them he was checking out their “plays.” At one point, the driver asked two of the boys to come to the truck so he could show something. They declined. He took off from the area, and the boys let their parents know what happened.
Police didn’t write up an official report because no crime had been committed. They did, however, ask officers that night and since then to watch for a blue-pick that seems out of place.
“As a parent, you kind of put your guard down some time, and you say, okay, your son is 12 or 13 years old. They can walk along the street at night and everything else, so it’s more or less a wake-up call to a lot of people, myself, included,” Mom says.
In order to make people in her neighborhood aware of what happened, she sent an email.
“Tried to alert them to be on the lookout for somebody, because he was, literally, watching three children,” says Mom.
The effort to reach 10 or 15 community members who could disseminate the information exploded. Civic leagues, community groups, and schools picked up on the email. Within days, it spread throughout Virginia Beach. Some people shared similar stories they say happened during the past few weeks. In each case, the driver of a pick-up truck watched or followed children, with nothing coming of it.
While police aren’t sure how legitimate all the stories are (especially because many haven’t been reported), they say it is a good time for parents to review some of the safety basics with children, particularly because they’ll be spending more time outdoors now that sunlight stays longer in the day.
If you, or your children, see anyone suspicious, officers encourage you to call them.
The simple fact the man did not abduct any of the children he has approached does not necessarily mean he was stopped from doing so. Many pedophiles like this already have a “lf” or “little friend” they have regular access to, so by driving around, they merely want to watch children and either masturbate while doing so or film the children to keep for self-gratification at home and to share on pedophile photo sharing sites.
Also, where this man may not be after abducting a child, one of his child lover friends he shares photos with may be after a certain target and this man has supplied him with a photo album to choose from – like window shopping for each other.
Some pedophiles try to keep it safe by just watching from a distance instead of touching. This keeps them out of jail and can also help them establish a cover story later if asked by parents what they are doing. They seem more believable if they haven’t had any actual contact.
This man asked these boys to come to his truck. It is possible he would have taken one, but since he hasn’t yet, it’s more likely he was going to gather information from them – i.e. names, phone numbers, addresses, hobbies, etc… – either for his own use at a future date or to pass on to his pedophile friends. Child abusers rarely sexually abuse a child in front of their friends. It’s better to get the information and then stalk the child they find more suitable when he is all alone.
I not only applaud this mother for passing along the word but for those who did not mock her or call her over-protective, and those who passed the word along and used it as a lesson for their own children. These are the guardians whose children will be inconvenient to predators looking for easy targets.
We can NEVER let down our guard. We must ALWAYS be vigilant and not be afraid to confront someone watching our kids. Those children are ours and if we say to leave, dammit, LEAVE. End of story. No argument. Bottom line, YOU are the parent and it is your right to tell someone to get lost.
For parents, guardians, kids’ club leaders, teachers, etc.. who prefer avoiding the topics of stranger danger and bad touching, keep in mind that the children in your care would have gone to that man’s truck and this would have been an entirely different news story with a much worse ending.
It’s a cold hard fact that the primary targets of child sexual abusers are children whose parents shelter them from the facts of life and schools that forbid such lessons as “sex education” and parental interference. Any parent against a school having classroom talks about child abuse has something to hide, even if that’s shame from their own past. If that’s the case, get over it. It isn’t about you. It’s about your kids and people like this man in his blue truck. Yes, Virginia, there are monsters after your children.
Teaching Children About 911
Children today are constantly bombarded with song lyrics and movies about how bad police are and involving police will only make bad situations worse. This dangerous trend of cop-hating-media and musicians needs to come to an end before more of our children are trained by abusers to keep silent. After all, it was the abuser who first came up with the mantra: If you tell, you’ll get in trouble. Don’t think like a monster!
It doesn’t matter if it’s abuse against the child or another kind of dangerous situation where calling for police intervention is required, kids should always be taught 911 is a lifeline. Our children need to believe in things like 911 or else they won’t ever ask for help, which is what the bad guy wants. Law enforcement should always be the first responder in a case of child abuse, regardless of how the courts later handle the case. Calling for help helps more often than not.
Clearly, the parents of this little boy raised him right:
[clearspring_widget title=”Boy’s 911 Call Thwarts Attackers” wid=”4ae8d36a3102598f” pid=”4b97de547e5fab4e” width=”332″ height=”300″ domain=”widgets.clearspring.com”]
Click here for more information on how to teach your child about 911. Remember: Silence is an abuser’s best defense.
Teens And Online Relationships
I just posted “Technology and Teens: How Parents Are Failing To Keep Them Safe” as a follow up to the pedophile grooming of parents article as well as to expose the mindset of some teens and adults who see nothing wrong with sexual exploitation of minors on the net.
I received a well-said comment by Strings, a great guy and member of B.A.C.A., who has supported me and my site. I do agree with his point of view, though I see a bigger picture. Replying to him helped me to see that I wasn’t as thorough in my delivery of my own thoughts in the previous post as I should have been.
I’ve been very busy lately in real life and didn’t take the time I should have to properly comment on the original topics elsewhere or here; therefore, I am taking the reply I posted to him from my last post and posting it here as a regular blog post. I hope this clarifies my concerns and the facts surrounding teens and internet romances.
Strings said…
[…]As for the “internet romance”, there really is no easy answer. The instant a child is told “break it off”, you cement their affections to the person they’ve been “seeing”. Happens every day in “real life”, and the fact that the “relationship” is through the ‘net doesn’t change that dynamic.
The advice to “allow them to chat through a webcam” isn’t the best idea, but it isn’t the worst either. Let me illustrate:
My (fictional daughter) has been having such a romance, and has only seen still photos of her crush. I would sit her down, explain my concerns (in detail), then suggest such a webcam chat: with me sitting just outside the cam’s view. I would also have her suggest this chat to her crush out of the blue: given the commonality of webcams today, there really shouldn’t be any excuse for the crush to say “no” (unless he’s a ped, and doesn’t have the model handy that provided the pics he sent). At that point, an excuse out of the crush exposes the ped, and gives you the wedge needed to protect your child…
Is it foolproof? Hell no… nothing is. But it DOES allow you to A)help verify that it’s another child, not an adult and B)put information into your child’s hands.
THE biggest key here is open communication with your child. If you’re like so many parents today, and your first attempt to broach the subject of relationships and sexuality is when 13 year old Sally confesses her undying love for Joe on Myspace, you’re in a world of trouble already.
Unfortunately, there is no way of making a child “ped proof”. But you CAN make your child “ped resistant”, by teaching them to value themselves. And being involved in their life.
Be aware of grooming behavior. Stop and think about what’s happening in your life (such as divorce) that could be opening your child to risk, and take steps to mitigate those risks. Talk to (not at) your child about the threats that are out there, and ways to avoid them (don’t mention joining a convent).
Lastly: NEVER let your guard down. It always saddens me to hear the reactions when another ped is found working as a preacher/teacher/cop/scoutmaster etc. Pedophiles are predators: they will go where they have access to (and some degree of authority over) children. The above positions give exactly that, yet we (as a society) seem to think the people filling those roles are above reproach…
[…]
Last item: the suggestions made by the kids themselves to not “stick your nose in”. My attitude would be easy to convey: be open and honest with me about what you’re doing, and listen to the things I tell you about the world, and I won’t have to toss your room like some B movie Russian spy. Lie to me, and there won’t be ANY privacy on your life, until such time as you leave for the convent. Make sure this simple attitude is imprinted early in the child’s life, and back it the hell up: idle threats actually reinforce bad behavior…
Sorry for the book there, but you’re talking about VERY complex issues. THE only “easy fix” is to deny your child exposure to the technology (or their peers), which will only delay problems.
Or the convent…
My thoughts:
[…]I see your points well and I agree with them all. Let me expand on my thoughts, though, regarding teen net romances:
First of all, what got me the most about the comments wasn’t the mere suggestion of the webcam. In fact, I think it’s bloody brilliant and hilarious to sit down with the teen and put the person on the other end on the spot by saying, “Hey, my mom/dad wants to see you. Can we do web cam?”
If anything were to prove a point, THAT would do it! I guarantee you with almost 100% certainty that if it’s someone with ill intent, the teen would never hear from them again! I’m sure they would make up some excuse but the more they try to explain why they can’t do cam, the more obvious they become and you don’t have to say another word about it. Your teen will see it, too.
The part that got me about the comments was that these two people in particular believe the parents should ENCOURAGE a relationship with the “boy” on the net. No decent parent would ever do such a thing, and those that do are the very ones who end up with promiscuous daughters or daughters who end up another tragic statistic. Not to mention homebodies who can’t socialize with living, breathing people. None of these relationships ever ends up with the fantasy ending the other person posted. That’s the kind of fairy tale ideology that makes children victims every day!
There is an issue here, also, of teens being allowed to hide in their rooms and only have net relationships instead of real ones. We end up with “emo” kids, social outcasts because they have no idea how to behave in society, kids who are cheated out of life experiences in the living breathing world around them, kids who have no basic survival instinct or skills because all they do is sit inside and the only people they communicate with are internet avatars in a fantasy world. They can make up their own scenario while living on the net, losing the ability to deal with real life.
By encouraging online relationships, it isn’t just the sexual predator parents are inviting to take their child but the fantasy world that will keep them from ever living up to their full potential and becoming a valued asset to the world around them.
Then there is the encouragement of these people who believe it’s a good idea for the parents of this girl to allow her to have a relationship with A. a boy none of them knows and B. a boy who tried to run away from home to meet a girl HE doesn’t even know.
Are you starting to see where I’m going with this?
Let’s forget for a minute about the probability this 17 year old boy is actually a middle aged pervert trying to coax this girl to run away to meet him because his attempt failed and he just needs her so much.
Okay, no, I have to address this first because this is actually what is going on as we have seen this exact scenario played out time and time again.
The predator tells her he tried to run away to be with her but failed (lie). Then he tells her he loves her so much and needs her, so can she please try to run away to meet him.
When she does, he can say it was her choice to run away to him. He cannot be arrested for stalking her or for coming to her home to get her. In fact, he can’t be touched at all. Pretending to be a 17 year old isn’t a crime. Going to the target’s home IS. However, if SHE goes to HIM, he is free and clear of any crime.
Let’s say he then rapes her, which is going to happen because why else go through all this trouble? He shames her into silence by reminding her SHE came to HIM. And she is scared to call her parents because she ran away. It’s girls like this who end up hooking on the street corner or becoming the live-in whore for the man and his friends.
Again, this isn’t over dramatizing. This is exactly what happens and you can visit your local law enforcement to find out for yourself.
Moving on to that other angle:
Pretend the parent who wrote the post being commented on is the parent of the BOY. Ahhh … see? Let’s say this is your son:
Once again, you know nothing about this girl. Your son has just tried to run away to meet a girl he doesn’t even know except for on the internet. Your son knows her parents wouldn’t approve but he is going to meet her, anyway.
You’re wondering what kind of girl this must be to allow a strange boy to do this, to supply a strange boy with her home address, to disobey her parents and sneak off with strangers from the net. You’re starting to wonder where you went wrong that your son is so lonely he’s willing to run away to meet someone from the net, which could be a sexual predator for all you know.
You see, male sexual predators pretend to be girls, too. They target these young boys because they like the game, they love the sick trick they are playing on this boy who thinks he’s flirting with a girl. Once the boy meets the “girl,” he is so shocked that he doesn’t have time to react as the man (and possibly the man’s friend) grabs him, drugs him, and drags him to his home to be raped repeatedly by himself, his friends, and possibly foreign objects.
The teens in these situations end up as sex toys for several years or for a few nights until they are murdered and next heard of on the evening news.
Again, don’t take my word for it. Contact law enforcement, the FBI, and the missing person’s bureau to find out for yourself.
Most adults would never meet someone they met online. They know the dangers.
Women know men are looking for vulnerable targets to dominate and sexually, physically, emotionally abuse. They know they could be walking into a situation with a serial rapists or murderer.
Men know women who are willing to meet a perfect stranger from the net are lonely and desperate and will more than likely become obsessed. They believe women who do this are easy and might come with a few surprises they’ll have to be tested for after their few hours of fun.
If adults would never put themselves in these situations, why are so many encouraging kids to do it?
http://www.stopinternetpredators.org/resources/
****EDIT****
To Anonymous Online Dater who sent me an e-mail rather than have your petty and ridiculous, vulgar laden comment posted here (because I would have posted it 😉 ):
No, I am not saying adults can’t use Match.com, eHarmony, or any other online dating service.
No, I am not saying adults who find a meaningful relationship online are stupid or pathetic (please point out where I said that); although, yes, adults who jump right into an internet relationship just after meeting someone with no clue who they are chatting with DO have a lack of self-worth, restraint, and common sense.
You clearly missed the entire purpose for this and the previous post, which is TEENS “hooking up” with people claiming to be other teens online. You completely by-passed every single thing I said about this being an issue of TEEN safety and the very real threat of adult predators pretending to be teens to ensnare them. All you seemed to want to focus on is my mention of adults not allowing themselves to be duped so why do so many have a permissive attitude about teens with less life experience doing so.
Seems to me, Anonymous Online Dater, that you have some underlying issues to work out for yourself if you saw these two posts as an attack on adults using Match.com. I encourage you to READ the description of this site, where you will find it clearly marked as this being about CHILD ABUSE AWARENESS AND PREVENTION. Wow. Comprehend much?
Technology and Teens: How Parents Are Failing To Keep Them Safe
Sunday night, I was honored to hear my mentor, Sues, from Warriors For Innocence be interviewed by Guru from B.A.C.A. Nation. Guru spoke about grooming and grooming of parents by pedophiles, which I posted about Sunday to coincide with the show.
I had already planned on this post about teens and technology due to some comments I read on another site last week. One of those comments affected a victim I know very deeply, so I knew I had to post something about it to bring more awareness to the dangers of the net.
After Sunday’s show, I decided to tie this piece in with pedophile grooming of parents because although the teens are being groomed by the online predator, the parents are allowing it to happen.
I came across this website the other day (withholding names) in search of Summer curriculum ideas for my home schooled daughter. I browsed around a bit and discovered it is a community where people can learn about child issues from experts and post their own questions and concerns.
In the comments, one man’s remarks made me take notice and check him out. He is Richard Guerry and he runs an organization called Sexting Is Stupid. (His message on his site, particularly the second to last paragraph, is a brilliant one, and I suggest every parent and child advocate read it carefully.)
There was one comment to the post that, although disturbing beyond belief, provided the best example of why parents must monitor their teens and enforce strict cell phone rules. It was by a 16 year old who tried to persuade parents that the article was a lie and there is nothing sinister to sexting, that sending nude photos is just “flirting.”
Well, you be the judge:
i’m a teenage girl and i know of lots of my friends who do this a to tell the truth, this artical makes it sound a lot worse than it is its just really some innocent filirting that predator peadofiles have picked up on and taken advantage of just as they have been doing for years so i ask you not to go through your teenagers phone or email searching for things like this because your just likley to destroy the limited trust they have for you and trust me as a teen myself i know that were not that trusting aspeicaly if your a parent that they know is likley to do this so my answer to this is Don’t overreact if you find that your teen is doing this with there boyfriend or girlfriend and if it is a serios problem possible envolving a person Way to old for them….. then take the matter in more serious hands but please remember DO NOT brake there trust it is the most worse thing you can do byebye
It was encouraging that a commenter below her was shocked at this reply, and she had this to say:
As a parent, E’s comments above are terrifying. This is not innocent “flirting” between two teenages. Seriously, when did sending sexually explicit images of yourself to another person EVER constitute innocent flirting. This article does not advocate parents to rifle through their children’s computers and cellphone, but instead it acts to educate both minors and adults alike that there is a darker side of the internet that they have no idea exists. Again, I think the teenager’s perspective is the loudest cry yet that this sort of education is needed in every school across America (and abroad).
I applaud J for such a great comment. I commented, as well:
J, I agree!!! It would be nice to have E’s parents see this comment of hers. This attitude is precisely WHY predators pick girls like her as easy targets. I run a child sexual abuse awareness and prevention site, and teens like E fit right into our scope for targets – if her behavior isn’t suggestive of someone already being taken advantage of.My suggestion to ALL parents of teens is to read E’s comments carefully and realize that this attitude is shared among many teens. If you didn’t think your teen needed to be spoken with about this issue, imagine that E’s parents probably think the same thing.
As for sexting being illegal: It is an unfortunate thing that some states are opting to put teens on the SOR (Sex Offender Registry) because A. It diminishes the real horror of actual child porn (which includes but is not limited to scenes of child rape and molestation) and B. It punishes teens for being stupid – and we were all stupid teens at some point.
I am 100% for putting our foot down and ending sexting among teens. I am 100% against teens being charged with child porn. Sexual harassment, yes.
If this means, E’s of the world, that we parents go through your phones which WE PARENTS pay for, then we shall go through those phones, as well as rooms, drawers, backpacks, and so forth. If you are doing nothing wrong, why worry? Secrets are for people with something shameful to hide.
We are the parents. We are the guardians of our children until they are old enough to leave the nest. It is our responsibility to protect our children and guide them in the right direction, not bow out of our duties simply because our children throw Amendment rights in our faces.
If there is a choice between freedom of speech and serving our children up to be sexually harassed and assaulted, we will opt for removing said freedom and any other liberty that our children are misusing in ways that are detrimental to their well being. We are parents first, friends second. Period.
I was intrigued after this and decided to browse through the internet safety section. That’s when I found this question by a member and my temper once again flared:
Q: My daughter’s heart has been broken by an internet romance. What do I do?
I found out about a year ago that my daughter, who is 16 years old now, had been carrying on an internet love interest for about 6 months before i knew anything about it. My husband and I were very concerned, but thought that eventually it would fizzle out. Unfortunatlely, they still have been instant messaging, and communicating through the computer. I know it was wrong not to break it up earlier, but we were hoping not to have to break her heart. They live very far apart, and have never seen each other. But we found out they having been professing their love, and talking about getting married, etc. I also recently discovered from an unclosed computer screen that he (17 years old) had planned to run away to meet her last month, but plans fell through. Last night we told her we wanted her to end it. She hasn’t eaten anything today. And hasn’t talked to us much at all. Do you have any advice or suggestions to help? Thanks
Most of the responders seemed to believe there was no reason to not think this to be a real 17 year old boy, although they did advise close scrutiny by parents and that the parents should demand to meet him. This comment, however, was extremely worrisome to me:
There’s no reason to force your daughter to break up with her ‘internet boyfriend’. That’s exactly the wrong approach to take with an adolescent. For her, the draw is less about having an online relationship and more about rebelling. Open up a dialogue with her to talk about the risks and rewards of dating (on-line and off-line). You can turn this undesirable situation into a productive conversation about dating and sexuality. It’s important that your daughter realizes you’re looking out for her best interests. You mentioned that they have never ‘seen’ each other. Encourage them to converse via webcams and social-networking sites. Internet relationships invite distorted realities; enabling them to trade pictures and use webcams will remove the fantasy element. Bringing the relationship out into the open lowers the likelihood that one of them will do something dangerous, like running away from home to meet the other one. Although extremely difficult, the best thing you can do is to support your daughter.
I’m sure other advocates reading this see exactly what I see, but I will not post that opinion here. I will say, though, that this response is every online predator’s dream! Any parent following this advice is serving their child up on a silver platter.
There was some hope with this answer from an expert member:
This is my own answer to that question:
Prove he really is a 17 year old boy. Honestly, pay attention – VERY close attention – to the news.This is Grooming 101, dear. Sexual predators do this all the time. This exact scenario is carried out in attempt to keep her hooked, to see how deeply involved she will be (by agreeing to meet him and then willing to try again when his first attempt failed, she has proven to him that you pose no threat to him and she is lonely and easy).
All the time she spends talking to him, also, lets him know her parents have placed no limits and that her parents aren’t monitoring her online activities. You’ve set your daughter up as bait, whether you want to believe that or not.
By allowing this ridiculous “romance” to continue, you send her the clear message that you don’t care if she has a relationship with an unknown stranger on the net. You, also, send him the clear message you don’t care about the safety concerns police warn parents about on a daily basis.
You are the parent. To the point, it is you NOT her who makes the decisions. And if you are allowing her to continue a relationship online with a complete stranger, the result will be on you. She is a teenager. A kid. She needs discipline (self-control, self-respect) and parental responsibility. She seems to, also, need more involvement by the two of you in her life and real life human interaction. Please show some or she will be another statistic on the evening news.
I would strongly advise getting the police involved. They do not take this kind of thing lightly. The very fact that he has told her he tried to run away and had her agree to a meeting is enough for them to do a full investigation into his true identity. Your daughter is in danger. Do something about it before it is too late.
And then this person showed up to make light of my advice:
Involving the police, or asking your daughter if she’s watched the news lately will make her feel alienated and stereotyped, and she will be more likely to rebel, and put herself in a potentially dangerous situation.
I agree with the comment about breaking down the fantasy. Allow them a supervised meeting, or let them speak over a webcam. If she can hear his voice, and see him, she will likely see someone different than she pictured in her head. This will give her a reality check.
Bottom line: No one wants her to run away from home and meet some guy who may or may not be who he says he is. The role of a parent is to teach a child how to be an adult. Using force will not educate her on personal responsibility, or encourage her to think critically about the situation.
If it turns out he is who he says he is, and they hit it off in person, maybe they’ll end up together. Would it really be so terrible if two teenagers met and fell in love over the internet?
(I would love feedback on this one, either in comments or a personal message!)
It is these parents and individuals who left these comments and posted these posts who impress upon us the most that we must continue to educate and press on, even when we are chastised for doing so. The children are all that matter, so I’ll take my lumps when they are dealt me because I know that I have helped that child in some way, whether their parents admit it or not.
The more I hear from parents of teens on subjects like this, the more furious I become. Are today’s parents brain dead? Do they not pay attention to the news, to their children, to their own responsibilities?? What is wrong with these people? The first thing to happen when their child ends up a statistic is to blame the media, peers, computer companies, the internet .. Anyone and anything to keep from admitting they were at least 95% responsible.
Parents, wake up! You needn’t be a worry wort or paranoid to realize the dangers to your children are very real. You needn’t lock your child away and never permit them access to technology. Keeping your kids from being the next headline tragedy is as simple as knowing that no one ever knows who is on the other side of that cute avatar, so you should, therefore, never permit your child to become attached to anyone or share any personal information online.
Would you post your social security number all over a MySpace page with a request to please not steal it? Of course not. Why? Because you know damned well someone is going to steal it! Why, then, do you allow your precious child to post their photos and personal information all over the net? Why would you allow your child to meet a stranger from the net if you would never hand over your social security card to one? Is your child less important than your credit?
SNAP
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Violent Crimes Against Children
Toy Soldiers
Steve Wilkos is a talk show host who has addressed child abuse extensively and more than any other talk show on television.
The Ultimate Evil 