The Ultimate Evil

A Child Abuse Awareness Blog

Prelude To My Story

In January of this year, I was sent a series of questions by someone attempting to understand the pedophile mind and the affect pedophilia, molestation, rape has on the victim. I never was 100% sure if the person was a pedophile, pedophile sympathizer, or a genuine individual whose claim of being a survivor was true. I hesitated answering his questions because I know pedos get off on victim accounts.

They, also, use victim/survivor testimony to argue that we are too emotional to conduct effective and unbiased research, debate, points of view. Of course, I believe everyone knows the real reason they are afraid is because victims and survivors know first hand the truth behind their lies and are the best resource when researching methods and tactics used by the abuser.

I eventually answered his questions, deciding that if he was a pedophile, he could hear from a survivor who refused to be broken even after all that was attempted to break her. If he was a victim or survivor looking for answers from someone like him, what I had to say could benefit him by both being one who would understand his trauma as well as one who overcame regardless of how bad things got.

Let me digress for a moment: You’ll notice throughout my posts that I seem to differentiate between “victim” and “survivor.” That is because there is a difference. A victim is one who is still being victimized, whether by their abuser or by the memories. They are unable to admit to their abuse or accept their abuse or at the very least speak of their abuse. Victims are still prisoners of their abuse in one way or another. I am still the victim of one form of abuse I suffered, but I am a survivor of the rest. A survivor is one who has overcome, one who has admitted and readily acknowledges the abuse, one who can speak openly of the abuse because they have embraced the logic that they were not to blame and the shame is not theirs to own. In no way do I use the term “victim” as a desparaging remark. Not at all! We all heal in our own way and our own time. No one has the right to tell us at what pace we must move, although if we never move onto survivor status, our abuser wins. End digression.

To the responses I sent him for his questions, he responded in a somewhat compassionate manner, though was more intrigued by my answers than concerned with them.

At any rate, I answered him thoroughly and honestly, speaking for the first time in my life so candidly. It felt good for me to speak of it all, but I still held back from people I called “friend” for fear of being met with the patronizing nervous smile, pat on the back, and babying we tend to lavish on people who share a trauma – whether they want the reaction or not.

I have never posted about my past because of said reaction and because when I first started speaking of my past, I learned it was to someone getting off on hearing of my abuse. Not me particularly but the child abuse, itself.

Well, after my last few posts and some conversations I’ve had with survivors and non-survivors who cannot fathom the full affects of child abuse, I decided that I have a lot to share. Not only can I help victims, survivors, and parents but can also enlighten those who wonder or who have blatantly accused me of not knowing what I’m talking about. I, also, want to show just how much of an asset survivors are to this fight, a fact law enforcement readily acknowledges and commends.

In the next few days, I will be working on this personal post. It will be up by the end of the week. I just wanted to say a few words about it in the meantime, a prelude to the in-depth look into me, the author of this site.

I hope what I have to say offers some kind of encouragement to those who need to know we can overcome anything, and fear to those who think children are so easily broken and will remain forever silent.

Follow-Up: My Story – The Clift Notes Version

June 8, 2009 - Posted by | Personal Stories

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