Pedophile Grooming: Parents and Guardians
In collaboration with Guru from B.A.C.A. Nation, I am posting this information on how pedophiles groom parents for access to their children. My source for this information and for all grooming information is Warriors For Innocence. Therefore, I cannot take credit for the research, but rather as a living example of how these tactics on parents and guardians work very well.
Our grooming information will begin with this look into how pedophiles and sexual predators groom parents and care givers of children. This post will be followed by more on how they groom their child victims. I will be using the posts from Warriors For Innocence as reference, and additionally, I will add my own thoughts and point of view as a survivor.
From Sues at Warriors For Innocence:
We’ve told you before in our Grooming Articles that pedophiles not only groom their victims, but the parents and entire communities as well. […] here’s a recent letter posted by a well known pedophile who calls himself “Blue Heaven” (BH). It’s addressed to the parents of his “lgf” or ‘Little Girl Friend’.
[…] “I can only cheer from the sidelines and set a positive example for the kids when I can, but it is important to me to see them growing up right and I believe in what you’re doing. I know you have a great support system within your family already; just know I am more than willing to help out if ever I can.” […]
“I want you to know that I have always had the best intentions at heart, and I always will. I’ve become a protective older brother with her (sometimes over-protective), and I’ve become concerned about her success in life, I am also a real friend to her, and she’ll tell you the same things. In short she has become someone special to me and I enjoy helping her.” […] Translation: He’s sexually attracted to her and he wants her bad.
He then tries to explain why he wants to spend so much time alone with her. We of course know its because he sees her as a sexual object. But he is in the grooming mode and is attempting to charm her parents into letting him have her in his house ALONE with him and without her siblings around….
“I believe it is good for her to have one more person around to encourage her and I think sometimes she needs someone else to talk to. It’s also good for her to talk to an older friend (as in non-related) who has her best interests at heart.” […]
“I want to always keep things out in the open” […]
“I have told her that with your expressed permission she is welcome in my home. If you give the OK she may come over anytime to finish her homework, here where there are fewer distractions. I would make sure it gets completed and work with her should she need it. She is also welcomed to come over just to talk or if she just feels like getting out of the house.” […]
“I am not asking you for anything, I just want you to know that I’m very good to her and she is more than welcomed here.” … Translation: Don’t worry, I won’t hurt her much. At least not at first. Yes, I want to rape her, but I’ll wait and mess with her mind first. Then I’ll force her to believe that it’s something that she really wants. That way when she gets too old for me, I can walk away from her, and move on to my next victim.
We wrote about BH before. He was trying to find a way to gain public acceptance. He wanted to fool everyone into believing that he was a “good” pedophile…
“If we adopt a non-threatening approach, and stay within the law. Then maybe we can gain just a little credibility with the public. If we build on this new image: “CL [Child Lover] in defense of those they love”, then maybe we can begin a dialog…but as long as outing ourselves is societal suicide, then we can’t do anything anyway.”
– Blue Heaven
Don’t ever forget that pedophiles are child PREDATORS. They will attempt to manipulate everyone around them in order to gain access to their victims. Your job as parents and caregivers is to stop them. Don’t fall for their lies. Don’t let them lull you into a false sense of safety. Pedophiles are not safe. They do not care about the well being of children. All they care about is how to get their hands on their next victim.
How do you stop a child predator? Go to our grooming articles and get some really good info here.
The most frightening part about this is that the letter sounds very innocent. It sounds as if he sees it as only a simple friendship and everything is open and honest, even writing a letter as proof for the parents own security (they have his request in writing should he do anything bad). If those who have investigated Blue Heaven, like Sues, didn’t already know he was a pedophile, and if the letter didn’t appear on a pedophile website as an example of how to groom parents, there is no way of knowing that this is a clever way of gaining trust and acceptance of being alone with this little girl he is dying to rape.
Grooming of children, parents, guardians, even the child’s community can take place for several months before sexual abuse occurs. Here is an example of the mindset and instructions in abuse from one of the men Sues has investigated:
They plot and plan against the rest of the world to try to gain acceptance. They want to abolish the age of consent (AOC) for sex. One pedophile, “Golem”, talks in graphic detail about how he would have sex with an 8 year old, if it was legal, of course…
“It would take months of preperation to get, say, an 8 year old girl physically ready for full intercourse with an adult man. Months of streching excersises, sexual aclimitizing(to make her more comfortable with her girl parts, so she doesn’t get nervous, and tense up during, possibly causing injury), and practice sessions. ….She would have to be masturbated by her partner with fingers or objects inside of her most every day. …there’s no danger in intercourse with a girl of 8, or even an average sized girl of 6”
If they are so good at grooming parents, how, then, can we ever hope to beat them at their game?
Simple: Be a PARENT! If you’re a parent behaving like a parent, grooming isn’t easy at all and won’t work!
Common sense dictates to most of us that children do not belong in the homes of men alone. Good parents don’t even allow their children (under 16) in homes with kids their own age alone, or to stay in their own home alone – it’s even illegal to do so (under 13 in some states).
I recently posted about women who abuse, so although men pose a greater threat, you shouldn’t be too free with the trust in women who want to spend extra amounts of time with your child, either. Adults hang out with other adults, NOT children. It is a serious red flag when an adult only likes the company of small children. Adults who hang out with other adults on a regular basis abuse, too, but you can’t get any more obvious than adults who constantly choose to mingle among children.
Protecting our children is simpler than pedophiles want you to know, and not as difficult as lazy parents make it out to be.
I know every single thing that my parents could have done to keep me from being abused and put into dangerous situations.
1. My mom left me alone in the car while she shopped.
On one occasion, two men tried to get me out to take me: One man went inside to distract my mom while the other one tried to coax me out with candy. I had heard them talking to each other near the closed window about how to get me out, picking which one would go inside and which one would grab me and hold me down in the backseat of their car while the other one came out of the store to quickly drive away.
Overhearing their conversation was one reason I didn’t open the door, but even if I hadn’t heard their conversation, I wouldn’t because I was afraid of everyone at this point in my life due to the neglect and abuse in my family.
Had my mom not left me in the car alone, I never would have gone through this. Had I been a trusting child, I would have opened the door and never been heard from again.
2. My parents preached that adults are always right and children are always wrong if there was a choice to be made.
Adults deserved respect no matter who they were, and it was never okay to back talk an adult or refuse to do what an adult said. Although I knew the abuse I suffered from adults was wrong and I had the rebellious sense to know my parents were stupid, the blockers set into my brain by those hard driven lessons of acceptable adult dominance made it impossible for me to fight back when I wanted to. My own parents, therefore, groomed me for my abusers.
3. When I came forward with my abuse to my parents, they ignored me and made me feel like it was my fault and my shame.
The pedophiles in my neighborhood knew my parents would behave this way, and they used this in their threats: “Your parents will never believe you…. Your parents will blame you because you weren’t allowed down the street…. Your mother is too uptight to talk about this, so she won’t listen to you…. Your father is always at work and he thinks his other two daughters are tramps and asked for what they got (kidnapping, rape, domestic violence, forced prostitution…)…..”
And because my parents were like this, the pedophiles chose me and other girls on my street with parents like mine as their easy prey. There were 5 of us and we never spoke of it, but we all shared a fear of the same men, which spoke volumes without speaking a word.
4. My siblings were allowed to continue their physical and emotional abuse on me because I was never paid attention to by my parents or any other adult.
They never noticed the bruises and never wanted to hear it when I would try to show them. Each of my siblings tried to kill me in some way, one succeeding when she had me hit by a car. Every time, my siblings had an excuse and my parents let it go, ignoring the warning signs all around them.
Even my teachers ignored it and they saw the clear signs of home abuse that is taught to them to recognize. Neighbors knew it but this was a neighborhood made up of older middle aged catholics who believed in minding your own business, even if it was a child asking for help.
Therefore, predators watching me knew no one would ever notice my abuse, or care if I came forward.
5. I was the 5th child born to a mother who had been through several bouts with depression and psychotic breaks.
She wanted a living baby doll, so she had me. The other four were much older, the oldest being 20 years older than me and the youngest being 10 years older than me.
I never should have been borne to this woman. The doctors tried to get her to abort me. My father refused to allow it because it was a mortal sin by the Vatican’s laws. I wished all my life that I had been aborted. I was unwanted after the new baby luster wore off, and so was forgotten by both of my parents and allowed to become the toy of my siblings and anyone else who fancied a turn with me.
No one deserves a life like that and I seriously doubt any God worth worshipping would prefer that life for a child over a quick death before birth.
If the neglect didn’t let me know I wasn’t wanted, the miscarriage a year or so after my birth did as soon as I found out. It was around the time she started ignoring my needs, when I wasn’t “fun” anymore. I wished I could have had that little brother, but I was grateful later in life that he didn’t live to go through what I did. I even started to envy him.
Neglect led to every bit of my abuse as a child, and the apathy of my parents led to more abuse as I grew older and the emotional and mental difficulties I have suffered because of their mistreatment. It wasn’t at all difficult for predators to groom my parents, whether those predators were after me or after one of my other siblings. The unconscious grooming of me by my own parents set me up before I even walked out my front door. After that, it was easy for pedophiles to coax my parents into having “alone time” with me, even when I begged my parents not to.
So, how easy is it to keep yourself and your children from being groomed by pedophiles?
1. Love your child. I’m being serious. Just because you say you love your child, your actions will tell pedophiles if you actually love them enough to do what it takes to keep them safe and teach them well.
2. Have an open relationship with your child in which he/she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can come to you about anything and you will talk with them about it or help them with their problems and fears.
3. When your child comes to you and expresses concern over someone, LISTEN! Take it seriously because each time you brush it off and tell them to get over it or deal with it, you are adding more cement to the barrier inside their mind that will keep them from talking about their abuse later and even from fighting back. Why say anything to anyone when they will be seen as tattle tales, whiners, complainers? Why tell and why fight when mom and dad don’t even care and won’t protect them?
4. Make sure your child has no doubt that you will protect them from anyone trying to hurt them. Don’t make this backfire, though. Children don’t like seeing others hurt, so avoid telling your child you’ll kill anyone who hurts them. They don’t want to be responsible for someone else suffering and they don’t want to be the reason their parent goes to prison for murder. Don’t forget, they watch TV. I tell my daughter that if anyone ever hurt her, I would make certain the police know all about it and the person will never be able to hurt her or any other child again. She likes the police, knows the police help kids, and would never want to see a kid hurt.
5. Don’t instill fear in your children of every adult, especially law enforcement. We’ve all received tickets at some point, and we may not like all the laws. To speak ill of police in front of our children is to show them A. you have no respect for police, the very people who put away child abusers, B. you make them afraid of going to the police when someone hurts them, and C. you strip them of the hope they have that there are adults with the authority to stop their abuse and keep them safe.
Equally, by making your child afraid of every adult by over-dramatizing crime in our world, you, also, make them afraid of the very people who may be able to stand in the way of a predator seeking them out. You need to let your child know that not all people can be trusted and that there are bad people who want to do them harm. In the same breath, you have to reassure them that there are adults who will do anything it takes to keep children safe from anyone wanting to do them harm. Introduce them to people who will protect them and make them feel safe. Show them the good people in the community as you show them the bad. Keep them vigilant but serene.
6. Set boundaries and discipline. This doesn’t mean corporal punishment. It means you set the rules and you enforce them. Let them see you as an authority figure who is capable of domineering the person who may try to dominate them. You are their guardian. From the time they are born, you become their guardian. It is a responsibility you took on when you chose to have that child, so don’t shirk your duty to this helpless little person looking up to you to guide them in life and protect them from bad people.
- Children do not belong in the streets alone.
- Children do not belong in an adults home without you.
- Little girls do not need to be dressed up like teenage rock stars, with make up and mini skirts and a come-hither look they don’t even understand (pedophiles later tell little girls like this it was their fault and use the defense that the child “wanted it” and was “sexually ready” because of the clothes and behavior mommy and daddy allowed).
- Little boys do not need to be raised to believe sex is a joke (it instills embarrassment when they are sexually abused, resulting in fewer boys coming forward than there actually are, leading to further abuse as an adult).
- Children have the right to be taught drugs are bad, regardless of mom or dad’s “habit” (one way abusers get their little victim to comply is by coaxing them to take drugs).
- Children have the right to be taught alcohol is for grown ups only, that alcohol will hurt children and make it easy for them to be hurt (sexual predators use the temptation of alcohol on children who see their parents drink but aren’t allowed any. They also use to their advantage children who are allowed to drink, “Your mom/dad lets you drink, so it’s okay …. [and later after the assault] It’s your fault for drinking and mom and dad won’t be mad at me because they let you drink, too.”).
Children deserve RULES. They deserve LIMITS. They deserve to remain children for as long as they can. We don’t have the right to make them grow up, and we don’t have the right to make them feel being a child is a bad thing. Again, it is a parents responsibliity as guardian to let them stay children for as long as nature has ruled it to be, keeping them safe from people and elements who would take all that away.
7. A parent’s responsibility is to their child above all else. No thing and no one is ever going to be more important or have more say than a child in a parent’s life. Once this is established in the home and in the mind of your child, passing predators will get the message and move on.